According to Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher and founder of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown is the presence of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling.
Let’s talk about the first horseman: Criticism.
Many people confuse criticism with simply voicing a complaint or concern. But there’s a key difference:
- A complaint addresses a specific issue or behaviour.
- A criticism attacks your partner’s character or personality.
In short, a complaint says, “I didn’t like what you did.” A criticism says, “I don’t like who you are.”
Let’s break this down with an example:
Complaint:
“I’m frustrated that the you didn’t pick up the kids. We agreed we’d take turns to pick them up.”
Criticism:
“You never follow through. You’re so lazy, I can’t rely on you for anything.”
See the difference? The criticism moves from the children to an attack on the partner’s reliability and character.
Why is Criticism Destructive?
Criticism isn’t just about venting frustration; it’s often the opening door to deeper negative patterns. When criticism becomes frequent, it builds resentment and sets a negative tone in the relationship.
Rather than inviting change, criticism triggers defensiveness, making it harder for couples to resolve issues. Over time, this cycle can escalate into the other horsemen, eroding trust and intimacy.
How to Avoid Criticism: The Gentle Start-Up
The Gottman Method encourages couples to replace criticism with a gentle start-up; a way to express needs and frustrations without attacking.
Here’s how:
- Focus on your feelings and needs rather than your partner’s flaws.
- Use “I” statements instead of “You always/You never.”
- Stick to specific behaviours instead of global character judgments.
For example:
1] Instead of: “You’re so lazy, you never help out.”
Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the housework. Could we make a plan to split the chores more evenly?”
2] Instead of: “You’re so irresponsible. You never take care of things unless I nag you.”
Try: “Hey, I noticed you didn’t pay the phone bill yesterday. Could you take care of it today?”
3] Instead of: “You’re so inconsiderate. You always leave me hanging and never think about anyone else.”
Try: “I wish you’d told me earlier that you were going to be late. I was waiting with dinner ready.”
4] Instead of: “You’re so selfish. Everything else is always more important to you than I am.”
Try: “I felt hurt when you cancelled our plans last minute. I was really looking forward to spending time together.”
By practicing gentle start-ups and focusing on expressing your needs clearly, you and your partner can stay on the same team, even when conflicts arise.
If criticism and other negative patterns have become frequent in your relationship, working with a Gottman-trained couples’ therapist can provide tools to rebuild healthy communication and intimacy.
Looking to strengthen your relationship? Contact me to learn how the Gottman Method can help you and your partner deepen your connection and navigate conflicts more effectively.
Reference:
John M Gottman, The seven principles of making marriage work, 2015.
